Just saying “Think about it!” is enough to overwhelm many people these days.

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Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

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If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

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Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

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April Fool’s next week and still no one has asked me to be their fool.

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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it.

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Nobody watches you harder than people who don’t like you, so give them a show they will never forget.

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My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.