Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles.

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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

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Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!

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Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

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Every time I have to leave the house and be around people I remember why I hate having to leave the house and be around people.

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I don’t have a favourite person, but I do have a favourite cheese.

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Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

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A coffee the size of Manhattan please.

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If a woman says “Do what you want!”, then for God’s sake don’t do what you want!

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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant.