Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

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If my memory gets any worse, I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.

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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

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I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen.

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He’s a 10, but it’s the pain scale.

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Life is short. Tell people you love them, so they block you sooner.

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Instead of likes, we should get a little kiss.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Never cry at the weekend. Cry at work, at least then you’ll get paid for it.

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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

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My only plan for this weekend is to move just enough so the people don’t think I’m dead.