Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

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They say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.

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Many years ago, I stood up to 100-200 million others only to sit in meetings now.

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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

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“Lmao” has survived and even thrived over the years, but its cousin “rofl” has faded into indignity. The cruelty of fate.

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If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

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Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.

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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

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The lion does not concern himself with social proof.

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I’d stalk me too, I get it.

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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe