Memories are a bit fuzzy – but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me. Like wow, okay, pay my mortgage then.

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How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

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I don’t have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights.

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Do you remember when you looked through binoculars upside down and everyone was really far away? That was nice.

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People always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected”, but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day.

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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head.

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The highest act of rebellion is to relax unconditionally.

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I wish I could get a bouquet of mozzarella sticks.

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God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

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I miss when bills were none of my business.