My favorite thing about summer is opening a window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

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I think my soulmate might be carbs.

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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”. The library?

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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

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The inventor of archery: Man, I really wanna stab that guy over there.

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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

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I hope this email punches you square in the face.

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Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

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If I met someone like me, I’d be really concerned for them.

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Netflix be like “we know exactly what movie you talkin’ ’bout but we ain’t got it lol”.