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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇧 has downloaded:

I wish I could join, but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has shared:

I can’t go to war, I have to water my plants.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has downloaded:

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has viewed:

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has shared:

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has viewed:

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has copied:

Google AI is awesome because it kills the planet and doesn’t work.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has shared:

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will, money will be debited.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has shared:

I hate when people ask me what I’m doing tomorrow, I don’t even know what I’m doing today.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has shared:

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

241 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,510

Funny Quotes Topics

17,577

Funny Quotes Images

15,510

Updated

Jan 7, 2026

Users Online

3,433

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Twitch:

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

Going viral on Slack:

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Bring me a higher love. You have 24 hours. No cops.

Spotted on Reddit:

An easy way to check if you’re attractive: send a “Hey” DM and see if they reply.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

I don’t understand why banks get so mad when you can’t pay back your loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

Trending via Pinterest:

Whoever came up with the spelling for “receipt” was an idiopt.

Just landed via Instagram:

If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.

Trending via Reddit:

Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Asking him what his favorite dinosaur is on the first date to determine compatibility.

My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

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My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.
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Commentary:
🚂 All aboard the Murder Mystery Express! 🔍🕵️‍♂️ Who needs regular hobbies when you can live out your Hercule Poirot dreams, right? Just imagine solving crimes in style with a cup of tea in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. All eyes on you, detective extraordinaire! 🕵️‍♀️🚂

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

35 shares on YouTube this month:

Trust me; this is the second millennium I’ve lived in.

38 shares on Discord this month:

I will sit in the rain about this.

97 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

22 shares on YouTube this month:

Grape soda doesn’t taste at all like grapes, but it does taste like purple, and I don’t know how to explain that.

43 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

71 shares on Twitch this month:

Imagine having someone to come home to who doesn’t have fur.

37 shares on Pinterest this month:

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

16 shares on Instagram this month:

I wonder how many calories I can burn petting my cat.

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry.

11 shares on YouTube this month:

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Trending Topics 📁

activity communication day food frustration fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media people procrastination relationship sarcasm social social media someone technology time want work

Hot Jokes 💥

6 folks are currently checking 👀

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Unfollowing girls on Instagram as soon as they get a boyfriend is something I’ll never stop doing.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

This year I’d like an advent calendar with 24 different tranquilizers.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my money’s worth.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.”

23 folks are currently checking 👀

Asked a German girl for her number, and I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits. So far, all I have is “nine.”

25 folks are currently checking 👀

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.

13 folks are currently checking 👀

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it does not mean you have to challenge it.

7 folks are currently checking 👀

He was clicking his pen 137 times a minute, Your Honor.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

The older you get, the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

241 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,510

Funny Quotes Topics

17,577

Funny Quotes Images

15,510

Updated

Jan 7, 2026

Users Online

3,307

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇪 has bookmarked:

A little time spent not acting your age is never a bad thing.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has viewed:

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a red wine?

Someone from 🇿🇲 has shared:

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has viewed:

Who else writes “etc.” knowing damn well you don’t have more examples?

Someone from 🇩🇪 has bookmarked:

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted, that’s just your face now.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

In case of a disaster, women and children are being evacuated first so men can think about a solution in peace.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

Hello, hi. Don’t invite me anywhere until next year. The money is finished. Regards.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

I’m writing a parenting book called ‘Kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did’.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has bookmarked:

My mama didn’t raise a quitter, she raised a burnt out perfectionist who is sometimes bludgeoned into settling for mediocrity.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Instagram:

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. What do you mean you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Just landed via Instagram:

Went to the toilet today without my cell phone. There are 245 tiles.

Seen just now on Slack:

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Spotted on WeChat:

Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!

Just landed via Slack:

I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

Spotted on Instagram:

Waiting until 4:59 p.m. on Fridays to send an email, because any response is Monday’s problem.

Live now on Pinterest:

For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

Just shared via WeChat:

I hate it when I’m gossiping at work and a customer wants to be served. How rude is that?

Shared recently on Slack:

“PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

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