My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry.

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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just funny and you think you like me.

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They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

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That place is so crowded; nobody goes there anymore.

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Sports are better when you have hate in your heart.

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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV.

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Name a better duo than sad and depressed.

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I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

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I have no beef with vegetarians.

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The world would be a better place if mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids.