My workout is reading in bed until my arms hurt.

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The best way to enjoy your tea while the world is falling apart around you is to remember that the world has always been falling apart around you.

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Women’s skincare is so confusing. Am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty, or matte like cement?

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I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

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My signature move is always learning my lessons the hard way.

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The cool side of the pillow just stole my boyfriend.

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Flies are literally obsessed with flying into a room, then pretending they can’t get out. Grow up.

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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

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Living in your parent’s house is free because you pay with your soul.

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I will never forget how to spell bananas, thanks to Gwen Stefani.