No more relationships for me; the last one was an embarrassment to my gangsta.

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I once let a really short guy be the big spoon and it felt like I went to bed with a backpack on.

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This is my emotional support online shopping cart.

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Don’t buy roses for her, buy chicken nuggets. Show her you really care.

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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

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I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

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Snaccident: eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting.

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Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

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Sometimes it’s the conversations you have with yourself that take the longest.

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Why does tiredness on the couch not follow me to the bed?

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And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”