No one ever talks about the 6th love language (being annoying).

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Petition to make weekends longer. Two days isn’t enough.

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Did you ever stop to ask how Mercury feels about being in retrograde? No, because you only think about yourself.

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Everyone’s “the nicest guy ever” until the cops are in their backyard digging up several bodies.

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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Edging my house plants by putting them next to the window when it rains.

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Men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore.

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I need something good to watch while I’m on my phone.

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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili.

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I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of insufficient cash.

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Starting my period on election day because I’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country.