Now that I have a standing desk, I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

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I love asking 5 different people for advice then doing what I want.

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Running from your problems is cardio.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

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Many fruits can be great names… but the real challenge is naming a child after a vegetable….

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People in their late 20s and early 30s are like “this is my emotional support trip to Japan.”

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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog.

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I’m at that age where someone can call me the wrong name and I’m just like “whatever, I’ll be Dan for a minute”.

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To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work.

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Opening up is like talking to a cop: anything you say can and will be used against you.