One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan.

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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.

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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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I have no need to judge people because of their religion, skin color or sexual orientation. Bad behavior is enough for me.

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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

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Sorry I’m late — I was standing in the shower, thinking about stuff.

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Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

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I’m gonna be the first zoomer to start dropping the ‘two thousand’ when referring to the past. “Yeah, that was back in ‘17.”