Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

83 shares on Slack this month:

Millennials are just 30-40-year-olds who look 20-30 years old and feel 80-90 years old.

21 shares on Discord this month:

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

17 shares on Snapchat this month:

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I need their PornHub videos to always buffer, just as they’re about to climax.

95 shares on Facebook this month:

Beautiful women named Severe Thunderstorm Warning are blowing up my phone.

81 shares on Snapchat this month:

Having to pay to read scientific and scholarly articles is a really disgusting and pathetic practice.

89 shares on Snapchat this month:

Sometimes somebody will share something from way back in my timeline, and I’ll think, “Oh God, what all did they see to get there?”

38 shares on Snapchat this month:

Hey, are you an aurora borealis or why am I waiting in vain for you to appear?

53 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

83 shares on Reddit this month:

Stop animal testing! Use my ex!

50 shares on Messenger this month:

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.