Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a cool motorcycle. Also, here’s a cool piano.”

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Therapy isn’t about being “fixed.” It’s about being your therapist’s favorite patient.

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Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.

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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

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Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

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My favorite dance move is trying to get out of my own way.

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My whole life is basically a blooper reel.

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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop.

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Playing dumb for five minutes often saves a lot of work.

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Wanna know what the 90’s were like? Put your phone down and go outside.

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I set my alarms extra early to make sure I have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up.