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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

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Our dog snores so loud, we had to rename him Grandpa.

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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

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I like riding by myself so I can replay 1 song 111 times with no complaints.

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The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you.

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I wonder if this next thunderstorm is thinking of me, too.

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Sex is like tacos. I wish I were having some now.

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If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”, you’re gonna have a bad time.

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If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

I haven’t had sex in so long, I forgot how to moan, what if I mess up and bark?