The cool thing about being a procrastinator is, really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has downloaded:

I’d like to know what my dog is thinking as he watches me try one outfit after another while getting ready for a party.

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Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.

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If you only watched reality TV dating shows, you would probably estimate the number of people who work in medical device sales in the United States to be approximately 80,000,000.

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Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

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I forgot how to panic. Help!

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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

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“You’re always sleeping,” God forbid a woman wants to be unconscious.

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I’m a little too self-aware to enjoy life, and a little too delusional to give up.

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Entered this world crying, and honestly, not much has changed.

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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.