The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

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God: “I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.”

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No one told me adulthood would require this much multi-factor authentication.

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Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother, and we should respect her.

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Italy stands for I Truly Always Love You.

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At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

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One time, when I was a kid, I fell off my bike and hit my head so hard, I was briefly able to communicate with bees.

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They should invent friends whose schedules line up with yours.

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Can we skip to the rich part?

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I’m officially at the age where I hate unnecessary noises and useless friends.