Trendy Funny Quotes

  • I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
  • Three drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
  • Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?
  • You’re always bitching about your alarm clock, but put yourself in his shoes. The first thing he sees in the morning is your face.
  • I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
  • If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.