Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.

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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

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I’m just here to make you wish I wasn’t.

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It’s too late. I sat down on the couch after work. Go on without me.

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I’m upset that my parents never got rich enough for me to become a socialist.

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“You look tired”. No, I’m just ugly.

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Uh oh, said somethin’ weird. Better fix it by saying something even weirder.

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HR: “Please complete our anonymous survey.” My boss then later: “Don’t forget the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team.”

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Long-distance couples be like, “I can’t wait,” and then they wait.

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Be nice to me, I may be hot one day.

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I taped a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.