You should get one IG story in addition to your one phone call when you’re arrested.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

What’s your favorite song about a white boy playing funky music?

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Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

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Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”

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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.

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It’s so important to warm up before any physical activity, like getting out of bed.

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Being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the Titanic, except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad.

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Your twenties are for working towards a life you later won’t want.

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Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi, nice to meet you, could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

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Girls Just Want To Have Naan