50+ Funny Kids Quotes That Prove Little Humans Are Comedy Geniuses

New funny kids quotes

• 
  Millennials are so young because we were never allowed to grow up. Still living like broke college kids in our 40s.

  Commentary:
  Trying to adult but I still have a ramen noodle degree in financial management 🍜💸🤓

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • If you can’t handle me while I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have $600.
  • The only men you can trust is ramen.
  • Me, one week before the new year: Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.
  • I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”
  • How is this the same brain that used to remember everybody’s phone numbers?
• 
  I slept for 11 hours last night, just wanted everyone with kids to know that.

  Commentary:
  When sleep is a marathon and I just won the gold medal 🏅😴🎉

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I had a marvelous time ruining everything.
  • “Nah.” – everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd.
  • It’s the weekend, so naturally, I’m going to spend 48 hours doing nothing, and still be exhausted.
  • I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
  • I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.
• 
  Commenting “AI slop” under pictures of my friends’ kids opening presents.

  Commentary:
  When your friend's kid gets socks for Christmas: "AI slop strikes again! 🎁🤖👶"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • I’ve had two glasses of wine and responded with “Omgggg congrats, sweet girl” on an engagement post of someone I haven’t spoken to in 5 years.
  • Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job.
  • Musk goes “exactly,” and it’s the stupidest tweet you’ve ever read in your entire life.
• 
  Today’s kids don’t even get chicken pox anymore, they go straight to STDs.

  Commentary:
  Wow, kids these days are achieving things much faster 😅🍗➡️🚑

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Village life is when you send two kids out to play and six kids come back hungry.
  • Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
  • Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
• 
  Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.

  Commentary:
  When I was 7, walking it off was considered a life-saving procedure 😂👍 #ResilienceSkills

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • You know you’re mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.
  • Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
  • When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.
  • Ironically, the Internet was invented to save time.
  • Shout-out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my Speedo.
• 
  What no one ever considers is that the kids are pretending to believe in Santa for the sake of the parents.

  Commentary:
  This explains why the kids keep dropping hints that Santa needs a GPS upgrade! 🎅🗺️😄

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
  • Kinda messed up that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or anything.
  • What we need is an evil Santa who steals our children’s most annoying toys.
  • I’ve already sent Santa a short letter this week to say hello. Not that he thinks I only get in touch if I want something.
  • Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
• 
  My favorite Christmas Eve tradition is the one where I tell my kids we have to get the house spotless, or Santa won’t come.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like Santa's not just checking his list twice, but inspecting for dust bunnies too! 🧹🎅✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
  • If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.
  • When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
  • Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
  • I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.
• 
  Before you laugh at kids who believe in Santa, remember there are grown men who believe that Cristiano Ronaldo is a better footballer than Lionel Messi.

  Commentary:
  Arguing about Ronaldo vs. Messi is like debating if pizza or tacos are better—either way, you're winning 🍕🌮⚽️😄

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
  • I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
  • I don’t need a midlife crisis. My whole life is a crisis.
• 
  Let the kids believe in Santa. I believed the Undertaker and Kane were brothers.

  Commentary:
  Learning the hard way that wrestling storylines aren’t family trees! 🎅🤼‍♂️👨‍👦

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?
  • I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
  • I will never understand people’s fascination with their ancestry, isn’t knowing your current family bad enough.
  • In an alternate universe, the hard way is always learning me.
  • I’ve never wrestled an angry alligator, but I have taken off a wet sports bra in the middle of summer. So, same thing.
• 
  Cute how I complain that my kids are spoiled when I’m the one who spoils them.

  Commentary:
  Blaming the mirror for what the chef cooked! 🍬🪞🍽️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
  • Mirror, mirror on the wall, why so many fingerprints?
  • I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
  • How long do you actually have to wear a muscle shirt until you get muscles?
  • I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Top funny kids quotes

• 
  My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer.

  Commentary:
  Guess it's another night of "Not pizza again!" 🙄🍕

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • The key to happiness: 1/ order a pizza. 2/ eat that pizza. 3/ repeat!
  • Just imagine how great life would be if pizza made you skinny.
  • Having leftover pizza for breakfast is an actual blessing.
• 
  My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

  Commentary:
  Dad-math strikes again: 2 kids = 0 kids. 🤔🧮👶👶

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
  • I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
  • Village life is when you send two kids out to play and six kids come back hungry.
  • I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
  • Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy: Go shopping and leave them at home with their dad.
• 
  My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

  Commentary:
  Goals so big the kids gotta clock in early! 😂🏡👶💼

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • It’s not too early to go to sleep. Too early only applies to waking up.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.
  • I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
  • I have to pee. Story of my life.
• 
  My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

  Commentary:
  When you think you're being summoned for a family board meeting, but it's actually a secret candy operation 🍫🤫😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Missionary, so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
  • Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • I’m not gaining weight, I’m retaining candy.
  • I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me.
• 
  (pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

  Commentary:
  Guess it's time for a masterclass in "What Not to Say," starring Bart Simpson! 😂📺🗣️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Trying is the first step toward failure.
  • My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.
  • No show does a misunderstanding / miscommunication plot better than Modern Family does.
  • I took the road less traveled because I was hoping not to run into anyone I know along the way.
  • Sometimes I watch people do their jobs, and I’m like, damn, you might benefit from a little imposter syndrome, actually.
• 
  If you encounter a teenager out in the wild, be kind. They are the first generation of kids whose parents are cooler than they are.

  Commentary:
  "Remember, they're probably just recovering from the shock of seeing their parents' TikTok dance moves! 😂🕺📱"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • If idiots could fly, TikTok would be an airport.
  • Is Mercury in reggaeton?
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • Someone called me strict today, and that means a lot to me because I’m a recovering people pleaser.
  • The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
• 
  I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you took team bonding to a whole new level 🌿😂🚬

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.
  • Your coworkers are your friends; stop working and hang out.
  • The Playstation is broken and the child has noticed that I live here too.
  • At the grocery store, but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
  • My boss doesn’t want dogs in the office. But he didn’t say anything about alpacas.
• 
  Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

  Commentary:
  Living the dream, sounds like a real nightmare! 😂😎

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
  • “Are we still going?” … An introvert’s attempt to cancel.
  • I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.
  • I don’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a broke, stressed-out, over-thinker with no clothes that fit.
  • No more fun facts. I want to know what your last nightmare was about.
• 
  Stop giving kids Bible names but no Bible lessons. Moses tried to rob me last night.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you need a parting lesson with that Red Sea of trouble 😂🙏🏼💡

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Dating now is basically choosing which red flag you’re willing to tolerate.
  • Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train.
  • Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished”, must have fed some seagulls.
  • If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.
  • And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony.
• 
  “Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

  Commentary:
  Sunday mornings are a breeze… until the mini humans launch their chaotic surprise party! 🎉👶🎈

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My Saturday was going really well, until I realized it’s Sunday!
  • Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
  • It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and then feel sad around 8 p.m.
  • I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.
  • Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Popular funny kids quotes

• 
  Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

  Commentary:
  When did life become a choice between wedding bells and being the next James Bond? 🍾💍✈️😎

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him.
  • The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and is afraid of balloons.
  • Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
  • Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask.
  • The most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower.
• 
  What wine pairs well with the kids being stuck inside during a heat wave?

  Commentary:
  When life hands you sweaty kids, pour yourself a glass and call it ‘Parenting Pinot’ 🍷😅

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass.
  • I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.
  • If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
  • Optimist: The glass is ½ full. Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
  • I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
• 
  Kids: making things way more difficult when they don’t have to be, since the dawn of man.

  Commentary:
  Trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe while spilling cereal everywhere, since forever 😄🍎🥣

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I can’t really explain it but cereal at night tastes better than cereal in the morning.
  • Getting a girlfriend is actually very easy, you just have to spin a basketball on your finger.
  • “How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.
  • Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.
  • Having a crush on someone is just having a lack of information on someone.
• 
  Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

  Commentary:
  Unlocking new levels of vocabulary: the DIY furniture edition! 🛠️🤬🤯

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
  • I drive regularly so that my brain doesn’t forget swear words.
  • The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the objects and furniture in the house are in the correct place.
  • IKEA is like the Hotel California of furniture stores.
  • Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
• 
  Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.

  Commentary:
  That's one way to keep it all in the family! 🤦‍♀️😂👶

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?
  • There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  • How quickly family vacations go from “Omg, we only have 4 days left” to “Omg, we still have 4 days left”
  • Be the horrifying lore of your family’s lineage.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
• 
  My advice to kids in kindergarten is to start saving all the money.

  Commentary:
  Time to open those piggy banks and prepare for the world of adulting! 🐷💵 #FinancialGuruInDiapers

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My life is constantly oscillating between “must save money” and “you only live once”.
  • I’m so broke, I owe myself money.
  • The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
  • Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.
  • My playlist is so random, I be heartbroken, thugged out, and yeehaw all at the same time.
• 
  The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

  Commentary:
  That neighbor girl deserves an award in motivational parenting! 🏆😂👍

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.
  • I don’t get enough credit for acting far less crazy than I actually am.
  • My mother told me there is a girl for me in every corner of the earth, but unfortunately the earth is round.
  • Welcome to your 40s. Your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
  • My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
• 
  Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

  Commentary:
  Sandwich the drama of spelling tests with a juice box ❌📝🥤

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.
  • If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to call her Erica, but spell it Airwrecka.
  • I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
  • Why is Subway asking me for a tip? Bro, we made this sandwich together.
  • Capri Sun tastes as if scientists had bet that they could make fruit juice without fruit.
• 
  You know when a donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That’s what it’s like having kids.

  Commentary:
  Having kids is like adopting your very own chatty sidekick, but with less hoof and more "why" 🐴🎤👶

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
  • Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.
  • Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend.
• 
  None of the parenting books say what to do when your kids start calling you ‘Bruh.’

  Commentary:
  When did I become Bruh instead of Dad? Guess I'm off to study Gen Z lingo now! 🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️📚

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Even when I look up the slang of today’s kids, I still have no idea what it means.
  • Being bi means you say both yay and bruh.
  • Isn’t it beautiful how ‘Bruh’ has stood the test of time all these years.
  • Calling a lobotomy a “lobobo” to fit in with Gen Z.
  • As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

More funny kids quotes

• 
  If you’re soft, don’t come to my house, cause my kids will roast you.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your kids skipped the school of hard knocks and went straight to Comedy Central 🏠🔥😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • “I’ve tasted going back to an ex, and I’ve tasted trying to fix a relationship before it breaks. I highly recommend focusing on your career and going to sleep before 10 p.m.”
  • My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
  • Glasses don’t make you look smart, everyone knows you had to fail a test to get them.
  • Tonight we shall read a passage from the old testicle.
  • America is truly the best country in the world at not learning from their mistakes.
• 
  Cleaning your kid’s room will piss you off, cause why is my Airfryer in here?

  Commentary:
  Finding an Airfryer in your kid's room is just part of their "creative decluttering strategy" 😂🔍🍟

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • As I’m cleaning my room, this is a friendly reminder that you actually don’t need that free t-shirt or tote bag from that event.
  • I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
  • If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
  • I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
  • The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute.
• 
  Kids don’t love anything as much as they love arguing with each other.

  Commentary:
  Siblings arguing: the original reality TV show 🎬😂🤦‍♂️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
  • I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
  • Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”
  • Can we normalize arguing with little kids? They’re so rude.
  • Youngest siblings are literally weaponized incompetence, final boss.
• 
  One of the toughest jobs in parenting is serving the inevitable eviction notice on your kid’s pillow fort.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the little architect is behind on their pillow rent! Time for a plush eviction! 🏰➡️📦🤭

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. You have one job. Be a pillow man. You are pillow. Act like one!
  • I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
  • At a certain age, all you really want is a good mattress.
  • The cool side of the pillow just stole my boyfriend.
  • Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.
• 
  My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

  Commentary:
  When you realize you're just the butler in your own home 😂🐶🍽️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • One day you’re young and carefree and the next, you’re preheating the bathroom before you go in for a shower.
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • People say “go big or go home” like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah, I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there.
  • Every day when I get home, I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
  • Girls want a bad boy to fix. Boys want a good girl to corrupt. Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
• 
  There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

  Commentary:
  "I guess opposites really do attract… and then spend every family gathering trying to sync their calendars! 😂🗓️❤️"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My wife has the worst taste in men.
  • Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
  • They should invent friends whose schedules line up with yours.
  • There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time, and then they marry each other.
  • You’re a “haha” girl, and I’m an “lol” guy. It just wouldn’t work.
• 
  All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

  Commentary:
  When kids ask for a snack right as you sit down, they must have a PhD in Impossibletimingology! 🍪🕰️😅

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
  • Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night.
  • Worst part about not buying snacks so you won’t eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack.
  • My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.
  • I know I just ate a snack, but I could really use a snack.
• 
  People will name their dog Steve and have two kids named Buddy and Rocket.

  Commentary:
  "Clearly, Steve was meant to be a dog with CEO potential! 🐶👔 Meanwhile, Buddy and Rocket are just living their best superhero sidekick lives. 😆🚀👦"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”
  • My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
  • Steve Jobs was a vibe coder. He just prompted Steve Wozniak.
  • Superwoman: Single. Batman: Single. Wonder Woman: Single. I get it now, I’m single because I’m a superhero.
  • I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
• 
  Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

  Commentary:
  "Ah yes, the classic 'broccoli deception'—Oscar-worthy performances every meal! 🍔🥦😂"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
  • Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
  • Setting up a camera to go and pretend you just woke up from bed is another level of mental illness.
  • The final level of being smart is just pretending you don’t know anything to make your life easier.
  • People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.
• 
  My kid’s superpower is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it.

  Commentary:
  "When your kid has the psychic ability to detect yucky food from a mile away! 🥦🔮😆"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
  • What is it called when you were overthinking, and it turns out you were right?
  • I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • At my next job, I’m gonna lie about having a kid so I can leave the office anytime I want like everyone else with children.

Witty kids quotes

• 
  Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

  Commentary:
  "When the mango's juicier than your gossip… 🤫🥭😂"

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  • Whatever y’all heard about me, I’m way worse.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
  • Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
  • My summer body has been pending for about ten years.
  • How is this the same brain that used to remember everybody’s phone numbers?
• 
  Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

  Commentary:
  "Breaking news: Toddler parents officially know more about Peppa Pig than current events! Tune in next for the weather report from Paw Patrol! 🐷📰🤣"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Breaking news is really breaking me.
  • Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
  • Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
  • Life is short, unless you’re listening to a kid describing an episode of PAW Patrol.
• 
  I hate when kids scream in public. You don’t have real problems. It should be me screaming.

  Commentary:
  "Right?! If only adulting came with scream breaks. 🙃🎉😱"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
  • I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
  • Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the time I use to angry scream.
  • Me, on New Year’s Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.
  • I’m literally overstimulated with life. I need to scream on top of a mountain.
• 
  I wish I could have a kid just to see what it looks like… and then put it back.

  Commentary:
  "Modern parenting: test-driving kids like they're on a 30-day return policy 😂👶🔄"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.
  • I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.
  • If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
  • I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
  • Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?
• 
  Kids should get the last name of whichever parent has more followers.

  Commentary:
  "Name change? 😂 I better start posting more cat videos! 🐱📸 #DesperateTimes #FollowerFrenzy"

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  • Ironically, the Internet was invented to save time.
  • I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
  • People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
  • Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
  • I will improve my life after I doom scroll a little more. Yes.
• 
  My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'Invisible Parent Act'—an enduring performance worthy of a standing ovation… from no one. 🎭🙈 #ParentingComedy"

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  • The first guy to clap after seeing something cool must have been like “what the hell am I doing?”
  • I woke up again, it’s pathetic how much death fears me.
  • Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
  • I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
  • Therapy isn’t enough, she needs to know people congratulated me when we broke up.
• 
  Watching Jaws with my kid because I’m sick of going to the beach.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you're trading sandy toes for suspenseful roars! 🦈🏖️ Nothing like a movie night to avoid the sea's surprise guests. Just make sure your kid doesn't start eyeing the water suspiciously! 😅🎬

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.
  • Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
• 
  It’s curious how kids are always really hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the mysterious phenomenon of the ever-hungry, elusive dinner-time child 🤔🍽️! It's like they possess a magical stomach that only grumbles at the most inconvenient times. Maybe we should start serving appetizers during the main course to keep them satisfied! 🤣 #KidsAndTheirHungryWays

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Ever feel like you’re adulting, but only on the outside? Inside, you’re just a kid hoping someone else will make dinner.
  • Why can’t opportunity just come back later?
  • My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
  • Soup is great for when you’re hungry but want to still feel hungry afterward.
  • Village life is when you send two kids out to play and six kids come back hungry.
• 
  I took my kids to the zoo when they were small, I wonder how they are getting on now.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the zookeepers might want to keep an eye out for some cheeky monkeys swinging around the family tree! 🐒🌳 Let's hope they didn't pick up any wild habits during the visit! #ParentingAdventures

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
  • If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
  • Be the horrifying lore of your family’s lineage.
  • Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
  • Not my circus, but I’ve grown quite fond of its monkeys.
• 
  Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio.

  Commentary:
  "Applying sunscreen on kids is the ultimate test of patience and agility, it's as intense as a cardio workout! 💪😅 Don't forget the resistance training when they squirm away like mini ninjas! 🤸‍♂️☀️ #SunscreenStruggles"

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • How quickly family vacations go from “Omg, we only have 4 days left” to “Omg, we still have 4 days left”
  • My daily exercise routine involves running late, jumping to conclusions and pushing my luck.
  • Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
  • I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
  • Running from your problems is cardio.