Funny never quotes dive into the hilarious irony of making bold statements we almost always break 😂. From “I’ll never eat junk food again” 🍔 to “I’ll never text my ex” 📱, these promises often last about five minutes 🤪. These quotes capture the comedy in our overconfident declarations and the quick backpedaling that usually follows 🙃. Get ready to laugh at how often never actually means probably in about an hour 😄!
New funny never quotes
- I will never forget when my dad had a guy from Verizon call me in middle school to tell me that I was using more data than Obama and that I need to stop.
- Scared to go on dates, cause what if I find the one and never be able to be single again.
- Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”
- “Nobody wants to work anymore!” Personally, I have never wanted to work.
- I came up with my passwords when I was 12, and never looked back.
- I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.
- “You never reply to messages!” I am just one person, okay? I am understaffed.
- My résumé is really just a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
- “Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.
- Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
Top funny never quotes
- Never underestimate the healing power of having your bed to yourself.
- In every imagination I have pictured myself in, I’m never poor.
- Never underestimate the healing power of a grilled cheese sandwich.
- Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job.
- I love surprising my metabolism. It never knows what’s coming—either absolute starvation or 1,000+ calories all at once.
- Take me back to the night we met so I can never give you a chance.
- On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office.
- Never underestimate my ability to stare out a window and not speak for hours on a car ride.
- Never underestimate the healing power of not watching the news.
- Perfume and jewelry are two things you can never go wrong with gifting me.
Popular funny never quotes
- I’m never early… unless we’re talking about the airport.
- This call, should’ve been a message in a bottle I never found.
- My only goal in life is to never end up on a Netflix documentary.
- Never forget that, just a couple of years ago, people were justifying paying $20,000 for a JPEG of an ape.
- “I’ve never met a medical receptionist that I believed wanted me to live.”
- I be butt naked, texting people, and they’ll never know.
- I love beating a dead horse with the girls. There is nothing better than a Saturday night rehashing, and never letting that horse rest in peace.
- Shade coming from a tree bearing no fruit could never phase me. Carry on.
- Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.
- Never going into a job interview nervous again, because, wow, it is literally a free invitation to talk about how amazing I am.
More funny never quotes
- Why is experimental noise music always scary metallic noises and never fun sounds like people clapping and laughing and like bubbles and stuff?
- Honestly, will never top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween, and then didn’t show up to the party.
- It’s always “your monthly bill is available,” never “this month is on us.”
- Never underestimate the healing power of a cheeseburger.
- My future husband is very lucky; he will never stay hungry, because I know so many restaurants with delicious food.
- 90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying works.
- Pluck a single eyebrow hair in 1994, and it never grows back. Pluck a single chin hair today, and it’s back with five friends by 6 p.m.
- You really have to enjoy the way a man is acting in the beginning, because you will never meet that man again.
- “You have reached your monthly article limit,” – a website you’ve never accessed before today.
- I never had a year with this much thinking. I’ve been thinking since the 1st.
Witty never quotes
- After a lot of experience, I can conclude that one can never actually cross “washing dishes” off the to-do list.
- I will never understand people who don’t gasp dramatically at rainbows.
- Born to screenshot everything and never look at it again.
- A little time spent not acting your age is never a bad thing.
- When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.
- Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.
- “I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”
- “I’ll see” = not coming, never was coming, never even considered it.
- For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.
- Men will ask you zero questions about yourself, and then say they never met anybody like you.
Funny never quotes remind us that absolute statements rarely stand the test of time 🕰️. Whether it’s swearing off bad habits 🍩, making dramatic life vows 🎭, or confidently predicting the future 🔮, we humans love saying never — and then doing the exact opposite 😂. These quotes are perfect for sharing when you catch yourself breaking your own rules 🙃. So embrace the irony, laugh at the empty promises, and accept that never is just another way of saying not yet 🤣!