New funny today quotes

• Today, I want to talk about how people’s houses smell funny, but mine doesn’t.

• I’m liking your IG photo from 8 days ago because IG just showed me today!

• Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”

• Today I learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work, just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. I respect ants so much more.

• My lips could use some attention today.

• I would like to thank everyone who destroyed me into the person I am today.

• Accidentally used men’s shower gel today, and I can already feel myself lying for no reason.

• All the clouds have come out to play today.

• Someone called me strict today, and that means a lot to me because I’m a recovering people pleaser.

• Signing all emails with BOOM SHAKALAKA today.

Top funny today quotes

• Today feels like a good day for a cheeseburger.

• Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here.

• If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

• My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

• Sat at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green, if you’re wondering how I’m doing today.

• Pluck a single eyebrow hair in 1994, and it never grows back. Pluck a single chin hair today, and it’s back with five friends by 6 p.m.

• “You have reached your monthly article limit,” – a website you’ve never accessed before today.

• Girlfriend says because we got Chinese yesterday, we can’t get it again today. I don’t think that makes sense. They do it in China all the time.

• “Is there anything else I can assist you with today?” No, just that one thing you couldn’t assist me with, thanks.

• 80s movies: Let’s go to the future! Today: Let’s go back to the 80s!

Popular funny today quotes

• Letting the sun have its way with my freckles today.

• Starting a new life today, bye.

• Today, I started a 28-day no-swearing challenge, which I will restart tomorrow.

• Who wants to do all my adult stuff for me today?

• Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

• Don’t forget to be mean to strangers on the internet today, for no reason whatsoever.

• Sure, I could get off the couch today, but then what?

• Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

• Sorry, I can’t today. I have to sit in my room and make matters worse.

• Walmart was wild as hell today, so I fit right in.

More funny today quotes

• Throwing “whereupon” into a few work emails today to keep it fun.

• This is your sign to cancel all work meetings today.

• I have been touched inappropriately by the sun today.

• Wow, you did such a great job clicking in your little spreadsheets today. Super proud of you.

• Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

• Trying to squeeze in more nothingness today, but my schedule is already packed with procrastination!

• I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

• Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

• Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

• Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

Witty today quotes

• I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

• In terms of wasting time, today was very productive.

• Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

• Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

• Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

• Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

• I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

• The sheer audacity of life to ask anything of me today.

• Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

• I’m doing a terrific job of not getting anything done today.

Funny today quotes remind us that no matter how well we plan 🗓️, today has its own hilarious agenda 😂. From unexpected mishaps 🤦‍♂️ to random wins 🎯, each day serves up a fresh batch of comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who starts each morning with a plan — only to watch it unravel by lunch 🙃. So embrace the unpredictability, enjoy the surprises, and keep laughing your way through today 🤪!