76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has downloaded:

That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

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I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

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Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.

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The inventor of autocorrect walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

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This is my phone. I text back when I want to.

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The trouble with living alone is that it’s always my turn to do the dishes.

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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you.

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Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime, see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate.

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Got my mind on my money and my money is nowhere to be found.