I can’t take people who pronounce “gnocchi” correctly seriously.

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Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

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Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

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Whatever doesn’t kill you is probably still trying.

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Cool things happen when you start hanging out outside a lot. Animals just appear and stuff.

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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.

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The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long.

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Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. It probably thought it was at a wine tasting.

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One minute you’re young and carefree. The next minute you can feel in your knee when it starts to rain.

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The neighbor sneezes loudly from the balcony. And because I’m a polite person, I shout loudly: Disgusting!