I think my wife has got early Alzheimer’s. Every day she tells me that she has no idea what she first saw in me.

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Since I’ve stayed away from most people, I get on much better with people.

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I’m putting free wifi on my gravestone, so people will come visit me.

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It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me.

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In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

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That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

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Wonder what I should wear to World War III.

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Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.

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Happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths.