Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

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If you’re not dropping it like it’s hot, then what the hell are you doing?

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No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

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When planning dinner, remember that ice-cream has both calcium and protein.

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I read somewhere on the internet that 87% of what you read on the internet isn’t true, and I believe it.

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I hope I find $10,000 on the floor later.

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Some people’s high horses are actually donkeys.

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Opening up to a woman is like talking to the police, anything you say can and will be used against you.

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I have a man cold. Goodbye, world. Tell my story.

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

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No camera can do justice to a landscape that melts your heart.