Idea: An app that tells you where that bruise came from.

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My body looks like I have a great personality.

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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

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I have no desire to work now. I had five days off in a row where I dined at a feast and was entertained at a cinema. I have flown too high to return to a laptop.

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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes!

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“Overdressed” is a social construct created by hating girls.

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Why can’t opportunity just come back later?

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Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.

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My dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent.

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Finally got around to emptying the vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.