My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

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Asking people their favorite color and then calling them liars.

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I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

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So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally, I would have known you in a past life.

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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

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My signature move is me looking for my phone that I’m currently holding in my hand.

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I tried to embrace my flaws. They filed a restraining order.

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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

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Twitter is basically everyone’s therapist’s couch.

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What I lack in moves on the dance floor, I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation.

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The final level of being smart is just pretending you don’t know anything to make your life easier.