There should be a tented fingers emoji. For when you’re feeling ruminative.

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And where did Mr. Pepper receive his degree from exactly?

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My mom always used to tell me that I look cute when I sleep. My boss has a different opinion.

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The feminine urge to act clueless while knowing everything.

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Now I understand why old people sit outside just to sit outside.

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I can’t take people who pronounce “gnocchi” correctly seriously.

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Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

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Never trust a wet fart.

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Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

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Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

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If you relate to me, get some help!