The best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello, please fill out these forms!”

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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

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The delivery guy absolutely hates it when I call him my pizza mule.

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My bad habits got renewed for another season.

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Some people don’t have a permanent handwriting. It depends on their mood and the pen they use.

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Told my homie I was “going through it” and he just said “go around it”.

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I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

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I might look calm, but in my head I’ve punched you in the face three times.

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Self-awareness is such a two-edged sword. Like, yay, I know myself better, but at what cost?

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The problem with expensive things is that you tend to want them.

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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.