Currently into monogamous friendships. If you have other friends, please don’t talk to me, it hurts my heart.

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They should invent a life where I know what I’m doing.

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Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.

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When they know you know they did you dirty, they stay gone. And that’s the best thing.

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Chuck Norris passed his driving test on foot.

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A piece of chocolate contains just enough energy to take another one.

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The devil is keeping him alive to avoid spending eternity with him in hell.

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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering.

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Can I be speaker? I’m pretty good at saying a lot without saying anything at all.

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Mike is short for Micycle.