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Apparently, all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep, which means he’s already a lot like me.

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Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

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Welcome to your 40s, the best part of your day is now the heated seats in your car after a long day.

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If it’s a ghost ship, why does it have to be on water?

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Being sleepy all day is just part of who I am.

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I tried to scream into the abyss today but got a busy signal.

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My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

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I want a chiropractor to crack my entire body like a glow stick.

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You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.

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Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen.