Building a snowman so I can punch it in the face.

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Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.”

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They should invent a good thing that happens.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

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Absent father sucks, but have you met the final boss, the father who is actually in your life every day but emotionally unavailable, lol.

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Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

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Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

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Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

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Cleaned the bathroom window. Wasn’t frosted glass at all.

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Hey (threateningly), can I join your years-old, tight-knit, close friend group?

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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs. Pretty disappointed in them ever since though.