50+ Funny Everyone Quotes That Prove We’re All Equally Ridiculous

New funny everyone quotes

• I refuse to be bound by the social construct called “the calendar.” Merry Christmas, everyone.

• My unemployed neighbor with an unlimited firework budget would like to wish everyone a happy 9th of July.

• I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

• Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

• The sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time.

• Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

• Men have nice skin because they stress out everyone but themselves.

• Shoutout to everyone who works hard to support their dog’s extravagant lifestyle.

• Yeah, no worries, man. You just showed everyone that you have a lot of resentments bubbling underneath, but otherwise, it was a cool evening.

• “You handled it so well.” Nah, I didn’t. I lost my spark, felt crazy, distanced myself from everyone, and hated myself.

Top funny everyone quotes

• Got possessed by a demon once, and everyone was like, “OMG, did you do something with your hair?”

• The only guarantee in life is, if you run errands looking like shit, you will run into everyone you haven’t seen in months.

• Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living, but it’s too late to ask.

• Happy birthday to everyone, for the rest of your lives. I can’t do this anymore.

• Shoutout to everyone who can’t keep up with the laundry or the dishes but decided it was a great idea to start gardening.

• Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

• My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

• I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

• My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly, planning my escape.

• Why is everyone against sugar? Who stood beside you when things went wrong and you were sad? It wasn’t lettuce, for sure.

Popular funny everyone quotes

• Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

• For my birthday, I want everyone to delete whatever old version of me they have in their head— it expired.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public, everyone around you hates you.

• Does everyone in the world want to come to my house tomorrow?

• Quality women really do attract everyone. A bright light always attracts all types of bugs.

• It’s important that everyone takes really good pictures of me this summer.

• Everyone wants a drunk text until I’m doing it at noon.

• Good morning to everyone — except me, because I clearly didn’t get enough sleep.

• Everyone deserves a day to lie in bed naked and be anti-social. Just sayin’.

• Coffee should be free for everyone Monday through Friday.

More funny everyone quotes

• I’m not bothered if you don’t like me, awesomeness isn’t for everyone.

• Stop blaming everyone for your problems. Pick one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

• An orgy where everyone looks identical is called a doppelgängerbänger.

• Why is everyone so chill about parrots being able to talk? That’s a whole animal. Talking.

• I wish I could turn everyone I love into a trinket, so I can keep them forever, because I am greedy and selfish.

• I’m not addicted to Twitter. I’m just a really good listener so I want to know what everyone has to say.

• “Comparison is the thief of joy!” Well, not if you’re better than everyone else.

• Good morning everyone, who feels like working today? I promise I’ll let you do my job.

• Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone set aside their differences and came together as one to buy me a castle.

• I will always be hotter than everyone who hates me.

Witty everyone quotes

• Stop blaming everyone for all your problems. Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

• Instead of making a sound, car alarms that go off at night should blast your name so everyone knows it’s your car.

• I left the house with wet hair and no makeup on, so I’m sure I’ll run into everyone I know.

• If you look close enough, everyone is insane.

• Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

• I just want everyone to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

• Everyone hates drama, yet somehow the tabloids remain in business.

• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

• Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again.

• Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

Funny everyone quotes show that no matter who you are, everyone has their moments of glorious nonsense 😂. Whether it’s forgetting something obvious 🤦‍♂️, saying the wrong thing 🗣️, or making bizarre choices 🛒, we’re all wonderfully imperfect together 🤪. These quotes are perfect for anyone who loves finding humor in the fact that everyone is just winging it 🙃. So keep laughing, keep sharing, and enjoy the collective comedy show that is humanity 🤣!