Just asked this girl Hannah how she spells her name, and she just said, “Two of everything, darling.” Iconic!

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All I’m saying is that big burgers should be wider not taller.

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You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

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Hey boy, are you the sun? Because you were a big part of my life this summer but now I feel like I never see you.

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I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

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If you’re soft, don’t come to my house, cause my kids will roast you.

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You know the nap is good when it left you marks.

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I didn’t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

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Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.