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Just told my cat Iโ€™d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

Just told my cat Iโ€™d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

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Well, looks like I need a loan because my cat just hired a lawyer ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿฑ๐Ÿ’ธ

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I hate the saying: “Get up, the sun is shining!” What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?

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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bobโ€™s Feet.

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Drinking through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.

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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again.

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Fries, not lies.

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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

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They should invent something in between coffee and narcotics.

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I drive home so quick after work like Iโ€™m late for the house.

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There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

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I am an influencer. If you arenโ€™t influenced in any way, that is on you. Do better.