I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier.

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You gotta wonder why they just don’t make all bread garlic bread.

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“Listen to your body!” Okay, well, my body wants to lay down and eat snacks all day.

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Adult friendships are difficult. The people I get on best with never want to leave the house either.

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Everyone gives pleasure in some way, one when they enter a room, the other when they leave it.

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Brainwashing is always considered terrible and horrible. But there are many brains that would benefit from a wash.

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You okay, babe? You’ve hardly touched the promises you made me.

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Fog. When nature is too lazy to load the complete environment.

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Wow, I absolutely love your outfit. The black really brings out the pet hair on it.

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Women who don’t check a man’s phone will still use their intuition and dreams to find out if he’s cheating.

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As a student, the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are “I haven’t started either.”