My phone screen is brighter than my future.

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I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it’s time to fold the laundry that’s been lying around since last Sunday.

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I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

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Girl who is still crazy: I was crazy back then.

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Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, work when the baby works.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

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Next on Tiny Houses: A family of 6 moves into a boat emoji.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has downloaded:

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the holiday traffic I said I’d avoid even though I did nothing to avoid it.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has copied:

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

I was having a great time until I remembered that I was ugly.