I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

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First responders? You mean reply guys?

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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

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You’re mistaking me with someone who’s stupid.

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Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

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If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

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Welcome to your 50’s. Your doctor and pharmacist are both in your contacts now.

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I’m actually breaking generational curses by surviving my 20s without marrying a man who hates me.

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People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

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“Are you free tomorrow?” No, tomorrow I’m still expensive.

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Coffee doesn’t solve all my problems. But it definitely stops me from constantly creating new ones.