Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

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Sometimes, I feel like my brain is still running on Windows 95.

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Instead of hairstyles and make-up, there should be YouTube tutorials on polite behavior.

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My dad called my philosophy degree a “license for unemployment.”

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Any time I have ever uttered the phrase “no worries” I have been lying. There are many worries.

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Every day, I’m gaslit into oblivion by beautiful women, and then I go to sleep.

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That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless.

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Lord of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

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Applying lip balm when you know someone’s watching you is a power move.

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The evening news: Where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.

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My bear’s diarrhea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.