A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

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My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

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We’re all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.

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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time.

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Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will, money will be debited.

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No show does a misunderstanding / miscommunication plot better than Modern Family does.

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I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my burrito warm in case you wondered what I was up to.

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Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.