A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

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Nostalgia is mostly dumb nonsense, but movie rental stores were legitimately better than streaming.

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Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

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The closer you are to nature, the further you are from idiots.

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Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?

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Welcome to your 40s, you’re too old to sit on the floor and put furniture together.

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Friends with no kids are like: Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

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The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate.

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Stop blaming others for your mistakes. Study Feng Shui and blame the furniture.

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Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

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Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. Show them you can’t.