About to form my very first opinion.

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When I look at the world, I realize why Noah only took animals with him.

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Tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win.

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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

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Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

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I never wanted to become one of those adults who just find the music of the younger generation annoying. Nobody could have guessed that the music was just annoying.

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Missed garbage day today, if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules.

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Every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know.

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Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

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I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house.

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If you wish me a happy Thanksgiving, don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.