According to my calculations, we’re all screwed.

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Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time.

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If you put a pizza on top of a pizza, you have two pizzas. But if you stack two lasagnas, then you still have one lasagna.

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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

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Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

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Hate when I get halfway there and have to go back for my teeth.

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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

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Feeling guilty for taking up the entire therapy session talking about myself.

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Can someone please invent 8 hours between 9 p.m. and midnight?

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Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?