Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming.

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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

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Women don’t pretend anymore to dig for something in their purse and then pull out their middle finger.

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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

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One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.

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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

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Netflix be like “we know exactly what movie you talkin’ ’bout but we ain’t got it lol”.

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To avoid burnout at work, use the 30-30 rule: after 30 minutes of work, quit your job and disappear into the mountains for 30 years.

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Yes, my sex drive is higher than my will to live, and what about it?

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All my life choices led me to this post right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.