An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil idiots doing it instead.

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In an alternate universe, the hard way is always learning me.

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If you’re looking for a quiet place to talk to yourself, my DMs are open.

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My sleeping cycle is completely backwards. In the morning I feel sleepy and at night I can’t fall asleep.

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I’m not fat. I just eat in advance.

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If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?

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That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

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The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not.

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Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

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The worst thing you can do when cleaning your house is “sit down for a minute.”

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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love Island”