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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇺 has shared:

There is a giant spider on my dash so I’m going to have to buy a new car now.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has downloaded:

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Someone from 🇨🇺 has copied:

White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

You can always tell when a man’s mustache is performative and not representative of his true spirit.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

Imagine you’re living inside a tiny mushroom house… with a tiny chimney… deep in the woods… no one knows you exist… you make soup in a tiny pot… you are free.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has downloaded:

The sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you is called Bi-yourself.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has bookmarked:

Every time I stand up, my dog gets excited as hell. He understands that I’m a real man who can make shit happen at any given moment.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

Sorry for acting weird. It’s just that I mirror people, and you were being weird first.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has bookmarked:

Hot singles in your area! They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has viewed:

Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,612

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Messenger:

Whoever has my voodoo doll, if you could take some stuffing out of the midsection and give it a little forehead kiss, that would be great.

Seen just now on Reddit:

Accidentally manifested an emotionally intelligent man that is hot and can cook. We’re currently staring at each other.

Just shared via Snapchat:

I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Getting a boner because the Lego instructions are telling me what to do.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Every ‘c’ in ‘Pacific Ocean’ is pronounced differently.

Breaking via Instagram:

Sorry about my behavior as of late. I have plastic in my brain.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Wanna worship each other until the end of all things?

Live now on Snapchat:

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old.

Spotted on Slack:

Requesting the Pink Panther theme song at karaoke and just standing on the stage motionless the entire time.

Spotted on Discord:

Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

Funny eyes closed quotes

New funny eyes closed quotes 👇

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight, just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

3 weeks ago

announce, closed, embarrassment, eyes, eyes closed, health, honesty, humor, i, just, nurse, scale, weight

All funny eyes closed quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

60 shares on Instagram this month:

I hate when I change the battery in the bathroom scale, and it starts telling the truth again.

88 shares on Pinterest this month:

I am not someone you have to entertain if you invite me, because I will have canceled.

16 shares on Snapchat this month:

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please put some money in its pocket.

40 shares on Facebook this month:

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

77 shares on X this month:

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

26 shares on WeChat this month:

Just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do.

32 shares on Threads this month:

Can’t believe we used to throw eggs at houses, and now we can afford neither eggs nor houses.

41 shares on Telegram this month:

I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

13 shares on Slack this month:

Whoever has designed parking garages is either an architectural genius or an evil sadist.

54 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I hate it when someone asks me what I did yesterday. I don’t know. Breathed a lot, probably got mad at something … sighed heavily. The list goes on.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

You give my middle finger an erection.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has viewed:

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has copied:

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has downloaded:

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

When your parents are on a call and they ask for a pen, man, that pressure is real.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has shared:

They said I can never go back to that Vietnamese spot. They banh mi pho life.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has bookmarked:

Please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. I’m fine!

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

I bet being full feels so good for the moon.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has viewed:

If you’re cheering for the stormtroopers, we cannot be friends.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has shared:

You never hear anything about Mr. Rubik himself, only about his cube.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Threads:

I do not care how bad the relationship is, I am NOT calling a radio station for advice.

Live now on TikTok:

I like when games that have no need for a jump button have a jump button.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

The sexual tension between me and vanishing without context is insane.

Going bananas on Messenger:

Cinderella had one night out, and it changed her life. I had one night out, and it changed my credit score.

Trending via Discord:

My red flag is that I don’t make playlists on Spotify. I just add every song I’ve ever liked to the ‘Liked Songs’ playlist and shuffle that, like an iPod.

Just shared via X:

Yes, I am super annoying, but don’t worry, it’s just permanent.

Just shared via Messenger:

Please don’t flirt with me. I’m trying not to cheat on my crush who doesn’t like me.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

You can generate images with your mind whenever you want. You don’t even need AI.

Going viral on Instagram:

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

Going bananas on Messenger:

Being sleepy all day is just part of who I am.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Funny eyes closed quotes

New funny eyes closed quotes 👇

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight, just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

All funny eyes closed quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨