2086 funny me quotes - Page 33 - Wordgag

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

May 23, 2026

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

May 23, 2026

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

May 23, 2026

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

May 23, 2026

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

May 23, 2026

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

May 23, 2026

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train.

May 23, 2026

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

May 23, 2026

I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

May 23, 2026

I’m in a comfy dress today, but I look like a potato in floral. Call me Nelly Flortato.

May 23, 2026

I wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating Snickers for breakfast in bed.

May 23, 2026

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

May 23, 2026

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children.

May 23, 2026

Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

May 23, 2026

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble.

May 23, 2026

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are. We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

May 23, 2026

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

May 23, 2026

“Don’t let me keep you!” Translation: Please go.

May 23, 2026

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

May 23, 2026

Basically a lot of my problems boil down to me being really bad at waking up, and also really bad at going to sleep.

May 23, 2026

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me.

May 23, 2026

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

May 23, 2026

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help.

May 23, 2026

Gwyneth Paltrow, I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan.

May 23, 2026

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it.

May 23, 2026

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me.

May 23, 2026

Nobody could stop me if I wasn’t tired all the time.

May 23, 2026

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” encourages you to do something you shouldn’t do.

May 23, 2026

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

May 23, 2026

Please, Tinder, add AI to your app. I don’t want to be involved in the modern dating experience. Let a robot do it for me. Let the machines suffer in our place.

May 23, 2026

So far, no one has seriously tried to bribe me, which is a shame because I am extremely corrupt. Maybe I need a position with more power.

May 23, 2026

I think you would all treat me a lot better if I possessed a small amount of plutonium.

May 23, 2026

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the cake.

May 23, 2026

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a Christmas sweater on.

May 23, 2026

Waking up has backfired on me so many times.

May 23, 2026

I love saying “You’re welcome!” really loudly when someone hasn’t thanked me.

May 23, 2026

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

May 23, 2026

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

May 23, 2026

Nicknamed my iPhone Lois Lane because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses on either.

May 23, 2026

Me at a nightclub: Where are the chairs?

May 23, 2026